Metamorphosis
The protective bubble of liminal space that cushioned me throughout the later part of my best friend’s journey towards MAiD no longer exists. Quality of life severely challenged, his end of life choice was a medically assisted death.
The stark reality that my life forever changed, pulled me trance-like closer to the abyss of grief. In the words of Helen Keller, “The only way to the other side is through”. Going through was the path I chose.
How can befriending grief move one forward? Does such a thing as good grief exist? Does it reside only in the expression used by Charlie Brown in Charles Schultz’s beloved Peanut cartoons. Could good grief be the grief that shatters the heart inviting each shattered fragment to be examined and glued together? Can the cracked topography of the heart then soften opening to empathy and compassion for self and others?
Memories of what was and what was denied had the habit of materializing unannounced with those fingers of grief jabbing. The painful gift of embracing space for these memories could induce a sense of comfort and peace.
In my loneliness and longing, I needed to hold on to the possibility that I could more than survive. I want to thrive. The challenge of holding space for my grief and slowly opening to present moment living offered a possible pathway forward.
Like the caterpillar gaining strength to break through its cocoon emerging as the butterfly, I had to gain strength to transition through my cocoon of grief to become the butterfly. A process needing time and attention for both reflection and testing.
Dipping into the waters of uncertainty and gaining wings of confidence one breath at a time allowed me to test possibilities of what could be.
Virginia Satir once said something; “Life is a smorgasbord taste everything and keep what you like.”
I realize that for almost a year now I have been doing just. I added be prepared to throw out whatever gives you indigestion!
For my 60th birthday several years ago I gifted myself with a subtle turquoise and rose butterfly tattoo perched on my shoulder. Recently checking what the butterfly symbolized I discovered the following:
“Butterfly tattoos symbolize a great change and development in someone's life.
Butterflies go through a metamorphosis during their lifetime, as do some people in a metaphorical way.”
Yes, this Butterfly continues to emerge. I have learned to release relationships no longer nurturing. By doing so, creating space for fledging relationships slowly unfolding.
My SoulSisters walking group offers both connection and companionship. The healing power of trees along the trails we explore nurture my soul.
Allowing the latent Story Teller within me to experience the healing power of sharing my story softens my grief with self-compassion.
Like the bird singing from its soul, song writing continues to heal with tears of grief opening space for joy and gratitude.
The sting of loneliness once created anxiety over the urgency to cultivate friendships. Getting myself out of the way and living in the moment has created pathways to new friendships. It took me almost 4 months to follow up on an unexpected invitation to explore hiking trails with a man whom I felt an instant unexplained connection too. We shared forested trails bathing in the healing energy from those monarchs of the forests. Our relationship was akin to a comet blazing across the sky. He was the catalyst re-igniting a ‘Joie de vivre within me’ that had been muted.
Shared community through my Outliers Circle is a priceless gift steeped in compassion, understanding and a comforting sense of belonging. Four lovely women all linked through loss of a spouse who challenged with Dementia chose a MAiD death have become a family of support.
I feel gratitude towards special people in my life who continue to encourage me supporting my need to examine those cracked pieces of my heart .
I am learning to slowly release friendships that are no longer nurturing. This comes with sadness and renewed sense of loss. It also opens space for new relationships.
Life is teaching me that seeds of grief nurtured with acceptance and love can with time heal the heart. A time for planting and a time for growing Reminiscent of Joni Mitchell’s A Time for Every Season. My book Shared Conversations - Glimpses Into Alzheimer’s available on Amazon speaks to this.
My husband in his confusion created by Alzheimer’s softly asked “Do you mind if I ask you a question?” I answered yes. I was stunned when I heard “Who are you?” In that moment I answered “I am Jules your wife.” The word wife held meaning for him. I had become defined through the words wife and caregiver. Sadly the role of wife was morphing into one of caregiver.
The vibrancy of my life slowly was being eroded by the Insidious impact of Alzheimer’s.
Today my response to that question would be I am the emerging butterfly resilient with a renewed zest for life.
My mantra more recently has become Jules Just Go For It!
Throwing caution to the wind, I recently went out on a limb trusting myself to experience an Amalfi Coast and Emerald Isle travel Adventure !
The Amalfi Coast adventure tested and challenged both my resilience as well as belief in myself. The first test was trusting I would arrive safely. All connections were flawless. I arrived intact with fears dissipated. Emerging confidence carried me through my three week immersion into North and South Ireland.
Fears around what might happen are smokescreens masking our vulnerabilities. Trust is a big factor in meeting them head on. They shrivel when confronted.
The poignancy of these adventures was being acutely aware of what it means to not have your best friend physically beside you. You take in the nuances of others sharing companionship aware there you are, Solo. A challenge was not to feel being the tag along on excursions during free time while working through anxiety of getting lost within the winding streets of the towns we were visiting and left forgotten!.
As my confidence level heightened, I took myself out for dinner and ventured further from my hotel..
When I turned inward to the comfort of my Angels, Guides and My Spiritual Soulmate, I heard their voices saying You’re okay; It’ s going to be alright.
One of my joys had been conversations with the guides and locals in the smaller communities we visited. I was touched by the sense of family evidenced in these conversations. A place for everyone. Family is so very important. to those I talked with. I believe that loneliness and feelings of isolation is so distanced from what it has become in North America.
I feel gratitude being Canadian living on the coast of British Columbia. Our shorelines and mountains are unparalleled. It amazes me that very few in my groups have really experienced our country. Conversations often centered around countries travelled to and the next country still on their list.
I’m being somewhat judgmental. In fairness they were pleasant groups who shared a Canadian identity. No one came here to meet other traveler’s needs. Rather they came for new adventures and perhaps to gain an insight into cultures different from their own.
This emerging Butterfly is emerging as end- of- life doula with lived experience with a focus on MAiD as an end- of -life choice for Dementia .She is ready to work with those diagnosed with dementia wanting to explore MAiD.
The glue holding those cracked pieces of my heart shattered by grief has alchemized into love, joy, compassion, gratitude, creativity and being available to help others on a similar grief journey.
Yes “The only way to the other side is through”. My grief journey continues to lead me through to the other side. I have presented at the 2022 World Federation of Right To Die Society Conference hosted by Dying with Dignity Canada Held Nov 4th in Toronto. I have been invited to participate in their Dublin Conference to be held September 2024. During my September travel adventure to Ireland have be interviewed by the Irish Times and was invited to meet with Senator Regina Doherty at Government House in Dublin. I have also participated in a recorded interview with Irish Doctors supporting MAiD. My books Shared Conversations - Glimpses Into Alzheimer’s and The Hot Chocolate and Decadent Society – Alzheimer’s and The Choice for MAiD are available on Amazon.
JMB